What grief has taught me, and what has helped me: World Mental Health Day
What I have learned about grief and mental health following the suicide of my younger brother in May.
This World Mental Health Day feels very different for me this year.
Four months ago, I lost my younger brother, Dan,
to suicide.
There are some experiences life that divide everything into "before" and "after". This is one of them.
Over the past 15 years, my work has been about sharing with people tools to support mental health and wellbeing. I have taught mindfulness, yoga and stress management. I have coached people through challenging times. I have talked about resilience, self-care and the importance of asking for help.
But my grief over the sudden, unexpected death of my brother - this is different to anything I have ever experienced.
I have learned some things about grief – and about looking after my own mental health – that I would like to share. Each of us experiences grief in a unique way, but I hope that something here may help someone else who is struggling with loss, grief or simply a difficult period in their life.
Fill your own cup - just a little
I am trying here to practice what I often preach to others!
I have to look after myself too.
There are always other people and things to take care of. It can seem even selfish to do something for me. So I am trying to keep it really simple.
What is one small thing I can do today that might make me feel even 5% better?
I'm finding that this is making such a difference to my mental health. Some of the things I know I need to do each day (not all but one or two!) make each day better.
A 20-minute walk. And today I even brought it up two notches and had my first (little) run in years. Then got in the sea. Today is good day.
Some days it's a little yoga or dancing in my living room. Sometimes it's picking up the phone and talking to a good friend, or even better, spending time with one. Sometimes it's just sitting quietly with a coffee for a few minutes.
Sometimes it's simply allowing myself to stop. To feel. To connect with the memories of my brother, and with my feelings. And breathe.
These things don't take away the grief. But they can help me carry it.
Get support (don't wait until you're falling apart)
A week after Dan's death, I called Pieta House. Support was there immediately. It still is and will be for as long as I need. I am beyond grateful to Pieta.
Professional support can be incredibly important when you are struggling with grief or your mental health. Just having a safe space to talk with an empathic person with experience is helping me cope with what has happened.
This also leads to my next point about talking.
Talking about Dan
One of the things that has helped me most is being able to talk about Dan.
Connecting with some of his close friends, a work colleague, his mountain biking friends, sharing and hearing stories of Dan.
I'm organising a walk in his memory soon. I'm looking forward to being with some of his friends, in nature, to talk about him and celebrate him.
It's important for me to be able to say the word "suicide". If we can't talk about suicide, mental health difficulties and the impact they have on individuals and families, we make it harder for people to ask for help.
Talking about Dan doesn't make the pain disappear. But silence can make grief feel very lonely.
Control the controlables
There is so much about grief that I cannot control. I cannot change what happened to Dan.
I cannot change the questions that will probably always remain unanswered. I cannot control when a wave of sadness will arrive.
But there are some things that I can control.
I can try to get enough sleep. I can eat reasonably well. I can get outside. I can make a little space for quiet and reflection. I can decide who I spend time with. I can ask for help.
These things may sound very basic. But when your world has been shaken, it's the basics that matter most.
Right now, I know that looking after my mental health is about keeping steady. Keeping my foundations solid. It's not the time for making big changes
Choose the people who feel good to be around
I have become more conscious of the people I spend time with.
There are people with whom I can simply be myself, without trying too hard. The people who can sit with my sadness without trying to fix it.
The friends who make me laugh. The people who are there after the initial event of Dan's death - when things quieten down and get back to "normal".
I am so grateful for these people.
I have also become more comfortable saying no to things, situations and sometimes people that I know will deplete me.
Sometimes protecting your energy is part of protecting your mental health.
Grief doesn't follow the arrow of time
I heard this line in a podcast about grief yesterday where one of the podcast hosts was talking about the death of her sister (thank you Dr Ciara Kelly). This is so true.
In the immediate aftermath of Dan's death, I felt like I was coping relatively well. There was so much organising to do which in a way was a welcome distraction from my feelings. I think that my grief was waiting for some more space to be felt. Some days feel heavy when my grief is a constant companion.
Other days feel lighter and brighter - like today.
What I know now
One of the biggest things I have learned these past months is that grief and living can exist alongside each other.
I can miss Dan and still laugh. I can feel heartbroken and still experience moments of joy. I can have a difficult day and then have a good one. I can look after myself without feeling guilty.
For anyone reading this who is grieving, struggling with their mental health, or simply going through a difficult time.
Be gentle, be kind with yourself. Fill-up your cup in whatever small ways you can. Control the things that are within your control. Stay close to people who help you feel safe and supported.
Say no when you need to. Reach out for professional help when you need it.
Talk about the person you have lost.
Remember that there is no timetable for healing. Sometimes getting through the day is enough.
And sometimes, looking after your mental health is simply about taking the next small step.
With love,
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