This day - 3rd May - five years ago, is a day forever imprinted in my being.
A tiny embryo was implanted deep into my womb. She decided she liked it there.
So there she stayed. There she grew for the next 8 and a half months.
On 16th January 2020, my girl Freya was born. My dream of motherhood came true, in a most unexpected way.
The 10 years leading up to 3rd May 2019, were a roller-coaster of deep, hidden to most, emotional challenges.
Longing to be a mother, but in the “conventional” way, these years were filled with waiting, hoping, praying, disappointments, sadness, and shame. There was lots of great stuff too.
Acceptance and hope
But deep inside, I had a constant ache in my heart. Eventually, I took my head out of the sand. I accepted my reality, which I found very difficult. This thing wasn’t just going to happen miraculously.
I first heard of pregnancy through embryo adoption, or donation, in my early 40s. It was not something that I ever thought would be for me. Anyway, I still had time, right?!
Now, hope is an amazing thing. While it’s vital to keep us going in life, it can also keep us from accepting reality as it is. I found it too painful to accept my reality.
From the age of 30, I had always been interested in personal development, and the mind/body connection. Ever since I began my studies in Shiatsu, then Yoga.
Waking-up at 40
Turning 40 was a slow realisation. I started to wake-up. It began to dawn on me, that my dream of a traditional family may not happen.
In my early 40s, on a quest to fill the empty feeling that I constantly had, I embarked on some deep soul-searching. This led me to train as a Life Coach, which was so powerful in helping me learn more about myself. I found out what was most important to me in life – my values.
I also found the right therapist.
Feeling seen and heard
Through coaching, and therapy, for the first time, I felt seen, and heard. My ache, my grief, were no longer hidden, silent, deep within me.
I realised that my emptiness was not going to filled by a relationship. It was a revelation for me to realise that I needed to work on my relationship first with myself. I needed to value myself at the highest level first.
I was then able to connect with the qualities that I needed to make the hardest, the most important decision of my life.
Courage. Confidence. Empathy. Kindness. Self-belief. Self-compassion. Deep connection.
Decision time!
Aged 48, I made my decision! Doubts and indecision transformed to clarity. Fear to excitement and hope. Procrastination to action.
I had to try my best to fulfill my deep longing to become a mother. While I still had a tiny window.
This led me to the wonderful clinic overseas that helped me realise my dream of holding Freya in my arms.
My first visit in January 2019 resulted in a bio-chemical pregnancy. I was disappointed but hopeful. I was encouraged that I was getting closer.
When I returned a few months later in early May, the stars aligned.
Fast forward to Monday evening 21st May 2019, I received the best phone call of my life from my doctor. My first pregnancy blood test showed a positive result.
From that point on, I was fearful, yet excited. I was hopeful that my baby would come to be. After all. Not in the way I presumed, hoped and prayed. But she would come.
Dream come true
She did come, on 16th January 2020. My healthy, beautiful, girl.
I have always chosen to be open about how Freya came to be. It felt natural to speak up about the best decision I have ever made. Why would I keep it a secret? I am proud, not ashamed. But most importantly, I want Freya to grow up feeling proud also.
We are connected by so much more than DNA.
She often says to me, “Mama, tell me the story about how you went to Saint Petersburg to get me”. So I begin… “Freya, for a long time, I was very sad because I couldn’t find you. I looked all over the world for you … Australia, France, Ireland, Switzerland, New Zealand… There was a missing piece in my heart. I kept looking for you. I kept hoping you would come. Then I found you in my heart. Now you are here, and you make me the happiest mama in the world.”
I believe that sometimes the hardest decisions are the best ones. I will forever be grateful to science, the clinic, my supporters along the way, and of course, my donors.
Freya is my dream come true. In the most unexpected, wonderful way.
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Kerry White is a Motherhood Clarity Coach, supporting women who are contemplating, or on the path to pursue an alternative path to motherhood.
She is also a Workplace Wellbeing Facilitator, Speaker, Shiatsu Therapist and Yoga Teacher. Kerry is especially passionate about supporting women feel well on every level - physically, mentally, socially and spiritually.
Read more about Kerry and her story here.